May 29, 2020 – Day 34

My motivation has been in such wacked up stance. Today, the officer that killed George Floyd, was arrested. Supposedly the riots in Minneapolis are being infiltrated by undercover cops to make the protests look dangerous. Trump has given the coast guard permission to shoot protesters once the “looting starts”. It’s all very frustrating.

I’m working on a new project. Won’t go into details just yet. I haven’t been motivated enough to clear up the blackberries. I’m starting to take my meds again though.

I’m going to apply for ACC as well. Hopefully I’ll have a better school year than high school

May 19, 2020 – Day 24

It was too hot today to prune the blackberries. Dad did, however, cut the netting. I worked on curiosity some more though.

I made the beak! It took a while. I used styrofoam and sanded it down to shape. Then I surrounded it with air dry clay before painting it.

This Saturday I’m going to be graduating. Due to the Coronavirus there’s this special way of doing it right now. Apparently it’s going to be an outside thing were we wait in the car for our names to be called to walk the stage. Sissy wants me to wait for her when my name is called so we can walk together. There’s also going to be a parade that she wants me to be a part of too. Though we’ve agreed that I’ll just be sitting in the back on my phone. She’s super excited and I’m worried I won’t be able to handle it. I’ve started taking my meds in preparation for it. Hopefully it’ll be enough.

As far as journals go, I know I haven’t really stated my opinions on current events and how it’s affecting me. To be honest, thinking about COVID really depresses me. The vocal minority in this country has made perpetuated the American entitled stereotype. Our government has valued the economy over the lives of its citizens. Jeff Bezos is an ass. Meanwhile, I try to keep myself busy from my thoughts of hopelessness by doing arts and crafts projects.

After I graduate I plan on attending ACC. That was always the plan before this whole pandemic. I didn’t get my license, however, so I can’t drive there. I really hope I’ll be able to attend classes physically as I can’t stand videos.

May 18th, 2020 – Day 23

Long story short as to why I haven’t been updating is that this is the first non-blah day I’ve had in weeks. I have been keeping myself busy, though:

Iv’e taken up needle felting. A form of sewing wherein which you stab the wool into submission.

On the left is the image of my progress in the felt puppet. On the right is what I’m basing it on. The right pictures are of a character I made a couple years ago and made a paper puppet for. There name is Curiosity and the hold a special place in my heart.

In terms of my video game courses. I’ve completed the C# coding lesson on the first one, but I felt my focus slipping and decided to begin the Blender course. I didn’t get very far before I sunk into the blah feeling. Hoping to continue it soon.

I also came back to an older project I had. I making a Writing Journal for it in a little bit. I am lovingly calling it “Godhood Comes With Its Drawbacks”.

The plants are alright. Super healthy and such. Maybe a little too healthy. The blackberries have become completely overgrown in my absence to a cartoonishly absurd degree. The primo canes grew so tall, they’re now slouching over the rest of the plant. I’ll be dealing with this matter tomorrow. With pictures.

April 25, 2020 – Day 12

Skylar has started the Pokemon SWSH Nuzlocke challenge. I’m helping her of course, but I think she’ll do great considering she finished the game normally.

I’ve finished my first part of the Video Games for beginners course. I now “know” all the basics in C# coding. I’ll be learning to make my first crappy game next. Maybe I’ll start the Blender one as well.

My favorite TV show of all time, Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, has just started its second season and can’t be happier. Raisin Draxum as reluctant Dad #2 is great. Hoping for more episodes soon.

April 22, 2020 – Day 10

It’s raining today. I always forget how scared Louie gets when it thunders. He just has to lay on my lap or in a high place inside the pillows. It’s pretty damn adorable though.

I’m having to update this computer in order to download a coding app. It’s been so long since this was last updated it’s taking an hour to actually download the update.

April 21, 2020 – Day 9

God how fast time flies. Dads really enjoying Dragonball Z. Skylar’s waiting for us to be done with the Freiza saga, cuz I’m that’s when I’m going to show Dad the abridged series.

I’ve bought some online video courses for learning Unity. I’m thinking of making a game with their help. I’ll be posting my ideas for the story soon. I’m thinking an adventure farming sim.

April 17, 2020 – Day 5

I’ve started watching Dragonball Z Kai with Dad and Skylar. They both seem to be enjoying it. I’m enjoying how much filler they took out for this version, though the opening could be better.

Charli’s fur is growing back from her surgery — she had a tumor that needed removing, she’s fine — and feels oddly nice to pet. I’m still afraid that her scar is tender so I try to avoid that.

Moms been making masks non stop since she learned about donations being open. They’re really well made and fashionable too. Her and I are sharing the same work space for our stuff. Mine with gardening. Her with sowing. I’ve been helping cut all the loose threads when she’s finished.

Maddy hasn’t been able to hang out with us really. She been really busy with school and writing her thesis. When she does have off time she’ll talk with her friends on FaceTime. I try to keep my distance since I never know whether she’ll be in a bad mood or not. But I always offer if she wants to hang out with me.

Skylar’s getting school work again. It’s stressing her out, but I think her graphic design skills are great. She’s also been talking with Caden, her boyfriend, really deep into the night. It’s kinda annoying, but apparently he’s been having a rough time talking with Skylar during the day, so at least they’re doing the “long” distance thing okay.

As for me I’ve been watching some Sonic fanub, Game Grumps Best of compilations, and Dragonball Z abridged all on repeat. Been thinking of maybe rewatching Red vs Blue, see how many lines of dialogue I can quote from memory.

April 15, 2020 – Day 3

I’m enjoying rewriting all my ideas down here. Not sure how well organized I’m being, but as long as I can understand them I think I should be good. Now I just need a better way of taking and uploading pictures.

If there’s one things that’s been on my mind it’s what makes a good story. And I think the simple answer is is that there’s no such thing. Theres only stupid confidently stated ideas made from equal parts love and spite. I mean look at Frankenstein. I story about a guy that takes half rotten body parts, sows them together, slaps some lighting on em, and some how make a living human. Like, what kind of idea is that? It probably has some potential for a comedic take on the meaning of life? Or maybe a good cautionary tale about trying to play god? No! This is story that laid the foundation for modern day science fiction. The fundamental horrorism of living and being alive (two completely different horrors). Lord of the Rings has a completely made up language that serves no purpose outside of the author just wanting to. My favorite movie of all time Kung Fu Panda is exactly what the title says it is and has the main character defeating the villain with the power of being fat. The absolute ridiculousness of storytelling is something that is embraced by every good artist. To try and make a serious statement about the world in your story you have to also admit understanding that the not only is the world stupid, but you live in that stupid world as well.

If you can’t tell I had a long shower this morning.

I think I need to make a list of writing reminders for myself so I don’t lose track of what I want my foundation in my stories to be. The statement above will be the first reminder. Here’s to hoping the age well with my moral foundation as well.

April 14, 2020 – Day 2

How on Earth did I make the Ph levels in my blueberries worse!? They were 7.0 a few days ago. I added acidifier. Now they’re 7.5! How? Why?! Ugh. I had Dad buy some more acidifier from Home Depot along with some ironize for the blackberries, pots, and longer rods for netting. For now I’m going to have to trust that my plants will be able to survive the tribulations hurtling at them from my own hubris.

I didn’t get up to much today, in fact I slept through most of it. I feel like I need to explain some things about the medications I’ve been taking for context as to why. There’s the Bupropion and Viibryd for my anxiety — they did wonders for me when I was in school. I take Trazodone to help me sleep at night since the lack of anxiety has brought in my Aspec/ADHD night tendencies. And then L Methylfolate, for some wonked up mutated hormone gland of mine that made my meds a lot less affective than they should’ve been. As of right now, I have officially stopped taking the two anxiety meds and barely take the L Methylfolate. “Why,” you ask “would you do that when the world seems like a very anxiety inducing experience at the moment?” Well the reason for that is I feel no anxiety.

Don’t know why.

I’ve always, just, had this very third-persony, dissociative perspective on life that kinda affected the way I handle the terrible things in life and that seems to be the case here. COVID-19 seems so – not real – if that makes sense. I can feel the anxiety over how little I can do to help others, and I’m handling those thoughts in my own ways, but the terribleness. Is just that. Terrible. I can’t really do anything to stop it. And that’s really depressing. So I’m not going to think about it and instead think about the fun stuff I’m doing now.

My anxiety meds, without the anxiety, are now only causing me to sleep. So, I have decided to stop taking them and hope for the best.