April 14, 2020 – Day 2

How on Earth did I make the Ph levels in my blueberries worse!? They were 7.0 a few days ago. I added acidifier. Now they’re 7.5! How? Why?! Ugh. I had Dad buy some more acidifier from Home Depot along with some ironize for the blackberries, pots, and longer rods for netting. For now I’m going to have to trust that my plants will be able to survive the tribulations hurtling at them from my own hubris.

I didn’t get up to much today, in fact I slept through most of it. I feel like I need to explain some things about the medications I’ve been taking for context as to why. There’s the Bupropion and Viibryd for my anxiety — they did wonders for me when I was in school. I take Trazodone to help me sleep at night since the lack of anxiety has brought in my Aspec/ADHD night tendencies. And then L Methylfolate, for some wonked up mutated hormone gland of mine that made my meds a lot less affective than they should’ve been. As of right now, I have officially stopped taking the two anxiety meds and barely take the L Methylfolate. “Why,” you ask “would you do that when the world seems like a very anxiety inducing experience at the moment?” Well the reason for that is I feel no anxiety.

Don’t know why.

I’ve always, just, had this very third-persony, dissociative perspective on life that kinda affected the way I handle the terrible things in life and that seems to be the case here. COVID-19 seems so – not real – if that makes sense. I can feel the anxiety over how little I can do to help others, and I’m handling those thoughts in my own ways, but the terribleness. Is just that. Terrible. I can’t really do anything to stop it. And that’s really depressing. So I’m not going to think about it and instead think about the fun stuff I’m doing now.

My anxiety meds, without the anxiety, are now only causing me to sleep. So, I have decided to stop taking them and hope for the best.